0055

July 23, 2015 § 1 Comment

Hello there! How are you doing? I’ve been sitting on this thought for a while now. The thought of writing here again. I haven’t found the courage nor feel like I have the ability to write. The last few months have been a subset of unconfident, poor time management and low self esteem.

During the period of time, I have done some traveling, meditating and more mindful yoga. But the fact remains that I am still fearful of being judged or pointed at for my wrongs more than my rights. That feeling has created a big gap between me and everyone who seemingly wants to encourage good growth. So how can this two ironic terms of “fear” and “encourage” can come together?

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Well, let’s start with this. Mother Teresa’s famous quote “If you judge a person you have no time to love them”. The industry I work in is filled with judgmental folks who will criticize you even before you step into the door. The car you drive, the way you wear your pants, the bag you carry, the type of coffee you order, the way you leave your food unattended and to the very last minute we greet you goodbye. It doesn’t stop there, we will still continues to come out with ideas of who you are and what you do.

But that is just how it is. We don’t have time to love our customers if they don’t fall into our check list of yay, and instead of having an open mind we just cross it off, well most of the time at least. Because between the mad rush of services, the demands you want us to fulfill and answering to our bosses/family members and so on…. We just don’t have the time or energy…

And time, as I had learnt, can be an illusion. The past and future come far between what is happening in the Moment. We cannot experience the past, we can remember it, it isn’t happening Now. We cannot predict or feel the future for sure, it is how the mind “projects” it to be. So that leaves us with, the present. Right at that moment when we can and should be fully committed to our values, philosophies to life and our best. But so often fall short in doing so….

The other negative side of thoughts come from the mind. The mind which lives in the past and future, not the moment. It feeds on it to tell us that we need to survive. The past experiences which taught us what to do and not to do. How we got yelled at and so we will not do it again. How we’ve been brought up, our childhood playtime.. How we felt loved and know how to return to that simple experience so to feel loved again. How we choose to walk away from people because the past is more significantly remembered and we don’t want that in the future.

I can hear your thoughts, well Denise isn’t that what all human beings go through? That is entirely right but that is how I’ve learnt that there will always be missed opportunities, no forgiveness and ultimately, no love.

I had concluded that somehow in a rat race society, humans demand more under pressure. We yearn for more because when under that intense energy to fulfill a task or race through the finishing line. Our heartbeats go faster, we breathe deeper, we are more desperate, more stressed, and in the end demand more from everyone or everything because after or during the stress period, we wear ourselves out emotionally,mentally and physically. Find coping mechanism to fill in this gap. We demand from our families, loved ones, the next person we meet and maybe even to the stray cat outside the office.

This is how breakups, divorce, violence, wars and etc starts.

The best healthy way to cope with it? Anything that brings more awareness to your thoughts and doings. With that being said, it is very different from being self absorbed, which is insensitive and ignorant. To be aware is to have a very simple open mind, clear away the negativity, listen attentively, respond with kindness and stray away from the old pattern of conditioned thinking.

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I have been reading Eckhart Tolle’s Power of Now. It is perhaps one of the most mind blowing yet simple and truthful book I’ve ever read. It focuses on the moment entirely and how one should be more self aware/mindful.

If you go, “yes I do that everyday”, but why are you still at a crossroad? Then perhaps it is just a conditioned mind pattern that you are in and cannot get out off. After all, everything is a matter of perspectives.

Today something really odd hit me. I’ve been thinking of my late cousin again and how little time we spent before his death. How when he first left, I felt a painful regret and grieve, that util today I cannot forgive myself for not spending the last reunion dinner with him. Simply because I was too busy buzzing tables and serving customers. I bought some sunflowers, his favourite, and recalled the happy times we had with his wife and dog.

At the same times, some friends came for advices about people going to leave their lives. It felt like a fortunate event, ironically, that they know the timeline. Even though it is vague, the “knowing” is all there is needed. Because when one “knows”, one becomes aware and present to that matter. They could choose to spend more time with each other and be completely mindful to each other’s thoughts/feelings/actions.

The past will wear my sprit down, the future with my cousin is tarnished. But what I can always do in any present moment is to know that we shared happy memories and in many ways, he has influenced my writings and thoughts. In that moment, is all that really matters.

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I doubt I can ever achieve being present to every moment. But that would be a lifelong goal to fulfill. Be positively aware and conscious of the Now. Not let other’s egoic mind or my own be in between the space of love, joy and happiness. To surround myself with the same like-minded people, plant a good thought into seeds and watch it grow into beautiful trees.

Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life

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§ One Response to 0055

  • Surfbro Clay says:

    i feel like u, anne and i are the 3 musketeers of spirituality. like, we’re always on the hike towards mt. good vibes.

    glad u started writting again! the final line is so powerful, thanks for that!

    xo

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