May 28, 2018 § Leave a comment
Mum turned a year older over the week. This time, we took her to Bali. But before the celebrations, we spent a couple of days in Ubud and Nusa Lembongan. There is an inner sense of quietness when people spend too long apart and even with devices that allow you to connect. There is nothing more sincere than gently looking at one another eye to eye.
Ubud was filled with hikes and long walks: exploring the padi fields and local community, along with hunting for coffee roasters and nasi goreng. It felt more like home than anything else. Our Airbnb hosts were so kind and generous. Breakfast by the balcony every morning and homemade dinner on the last night.
“I don’t know much. I learn how to cook from my mother.”, she apologies so humbly.
Brown rice, fried tempeh, smoked chicken, stewed chicken, long beans with eggplant and grated coconut salad on banana leaves were just a few dishes to tease us. Astonished by her sincerity, the family made it simply to difficult for us to bid goodbyes.
Heading over to the sunnier shores of the island was a trek. An early wake up call and boat ride across to another smaller island. A paradise spot with local dialects, no shortage of tourists and warungs. We met another traveling couple who became great companions over Bintangs and WeChat. Understanding different languages is one of the greatest asset a human being can ever have. We can communicate by sharing food but no casual banters are complete without bridging two worlds in one language.
In the van to Sanur, it was Bahasa to the driver and Mandarin with the other passages. I am always grateful to be a Malaysian in these scenarios.
I had never snorkel before. Never. A beginner’s luck was nothing short of good fortune. We went swimming with Nemos and his friends plus a supersize giant. Our guide rode us over to Crystal Point, where the waters were almost cold enough to chill a hot custard. He told us to confidently jump in before they swam away. So we did. The Manta Ray is the big soft teddy bears in the ocean. It glide through so gracefully under us with its gills spread as wide as it could. A curious diver took his chance to swim under it. How he must have enjoyed the view from below, is another mystery I shall want to explore.
Canggu, came very quickly.
The little surf town was anything but what it is now. I believed I must have annoyed my family with “This wasn’t here!”, “Last time, there was …”, etc Almost too many déjà vu-s and new experiences. I would have loved the little old place back. Where it wasn’t too crowded with youngsters and broken beer bottles around the coast.
Everything has changed but the softness of the ocean remains the same. It was the same dawn wake up call, meet a surf instructor and riding waves. We were by the beach by sunrise and out of the waters when the crowd arrived.
Board shopping is like choosing clothes. You either pick something suitable for the weather or a generic outfit. You can also choose to blend in with the ocean.
I love being in the ocean, waiting for waves and learning what fits well. No luck in standing up on my own this time, but there is always the next. Don’t we all know, that’s what life is about too?
Try again. Failed again. Failed better, Samuel Beckett
April 20, 2018 § Leave a comment
In the conversations of my daily routines, there is a queer silence between sentences. As gentle as they are, the exists in pauses of acknowledgements and gratitude. I write frequently about gratitude, almost too much when I look back on how many times I type it on this screen. But yet, there will not be sufficient amount to express how fortunate we are and how much we still take for granted.
A couple of weeks ago, my partner ran a full marathon back in Malaysia. So I decided to cheer him on by running, well, a quarter of it. The next 5km mark is a boundary I have yet to explore. The feet took me to Williamstown, a lovely horizon leading towards the endless sea. The beach front was merely the beginning of a buzzing little town. It lined with sun-kissed children, joyful dog-walkers and eager diners. Bring out the roller blades, if I may say, and glide through the bright pavements with ocean breeze in your hair and salty moisture on your skin.
Back at home, in this little apartment, I have been settling in just as bread on butter. It’s been almost 10 weeks of analysing botany, human parts and occasionally wine-ing. Learning about your own palate is perhaps one of the most satisfying adventure to leap on. Acquiring a skill to understand another’s is, something beyond reach. I have a deep admiration for wine connoisseurs as for botanists.
A simple walk in the park was far more complex and enriching than it seems. We visited the gorgeous Royal Botanical Gardens last week. The tropical glasshouse felt like home and memories of being a child running around our home garden came floating in. Right here, the terrain is different. The weather changes so drastically, every moment of beauty is like the freshly bloomed flower, temporary and sacred. The short instances make it so delightful, just as the pauses in my conversations.
The days are getting shorter, my runs are getting longer, but the silences remain unchanged. Always there to keep an everlasting subtle essence in beautiful moments.
February 19, 2018 § 1 Comment
This is your path.
This is how you form the shapes you fall so gently in. This is a journey of how graceful you treat yourself and practice compassion. This is not your mom’s or dad’s. Do not take Forbes list or best yoga poses to be your goal. Do not take an idol and follow their style.
What makes you think you will be happy today with what you have in the future? What makes you believe that other people’s happiness is ideal for you?
Is it for you to take?
Is it meant to be enough?
What is ever enough when less is so much more than what you already stand for?
Your happiness is already in you.
Be the main character in your show. Find your own proses and take the lead.
The last weekend was a quiet one by the beach. I drove myself out to the end of a little town and found the most delightful deli. So I bought myself some hummus, olives and sourdough bread for a little picnic by the sea. As I found myself in an unknown corner, a dog came up and put his weight on my feet. How wet and warm he felt, how loyal and tender he seemed. He was waiting for his owner to finish a surf. Everytime someone would come up to the shore, he would run over and greet them.
“Eventually it will be the right one”, the second surfer said to me.
Every time he realised the surfer wasn’t the owner, he came back to my little towel and waited with me. As they say, misery loves company.
“It’s call Benjo!”, another surfer shouted across to me.
I guess as much he is a regular. The ocean has a way of calling me back. I have been enjoying the waves, cold waters and watching surfers take the plunge. One day, I will too.
Till that day comes, it’s a little memory of finding warmth in nature. An unknown shepherd dog, the abundance of sea herbs, white sands and oceanic sounds.
January 30, 2018 § Leave a comment
The last weekend was well spent with six other beautiful women at St Andrews Beach, Mornington Peninsula. They held a yoga retreat which included soul searching workshops. The space was filled with abundant authenticity and gratification. Everyone had personal stories of mistaken love, different career directions, family cooking adventures and wonderful unique life experiences. It is not only truly inspiring to hear them but also deeply privilege to be part of the circle.
We soaked up plenty of sunshine while exploring our truest desires. We hold visions of what is yet to be and expectations, but have we ever sat down with ourselves with a cup of tea/coffee truthfully to ask how do we feel when these expectations are met.
So many of our dreams or aspirations are unrealistic because we do not take the opportunity to ask ourselves what they resonate with us. Feeling loved or connected with another soul by attracting something that is not your truest heart’s desire; accomplishing something that is perhaps not best for what you can offer mentally, physically or emotionally right this moment; believing in shaping your form to be better but not having the right tools.
This retreat was a realignment of past/present/future. Putting past experiences into present moments and manifesting from here on.
This morning I sank my teeth into a thick stack of sorghum pancakes with soy yogurt, molasses and fresh berries while reflecting on the year that is to be. More surfing, making fresh meals, writing and making this apartment a home.
We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love … and then we return home.” – Australian aboriginal proverb
Retreat was organised by these two talented ladies:
January 13, 2018 § Leave a comment
It is funny how after some time, it isn’t about the pose, it’s about the breath you take in and how you release it. It is the way you show up on the mat everyday that inherently, dedicating an hour to reconnect the mind/body/soul. It is how the pose is formed and transits to another.
It is funny how after a while, it isn’t how the dish is served but the freshness of the ingredients and how they arrived at your table. The sincerity of the purveyors, honest cooks and warm servers.
It is funny how it isn’t the type of clothes we wear but how it softly fits onto our skin and makes us feel naturally comfortable . It isn’t about dress sense but the sincerity of our smile we put on every time we greet someone.
It is funny how it isn’t about the amount of friends you have but the depth of friendships. How far you are willing to stretch for one another and how often they appear in your daily thoughts. The moments you shared laughing at one another’s stupidity, putting up with the idiosyncrasies and still want to share a meal together.
It is funny how it isn’t about the places you have been but how you get there. As cliche as this sounds, it is amusing that there are still tourist spots and selfie sticks.
It is funny how as a plant based eater (some call me rabbit, goat or bird), I know how to eight way a chicken, gut and scale a fish or touch raw meat; yet find meat eaters who squinch into a ball when they see a pig’s head or bone in meal. It is also rather peculiar that they do not know the shape of an oyster in poultry or where the vein of the prawns are.
It is strange and awesome at the same time. We are all looking for the same sense of belonging and meaning on this earth but our paths are far from near.
It is remarkable that you can feel so much for someone and yet so little in an instance. It isn’t the words we say but the promises we keep to ourselves for others, which makes the relationship genuine. The call you were supposed to make, the letter you were going to sent, the cup of coffee you meant to share and the little projects we set out to do.
It is peculiar that we meet at the same spot again and again. We are drawn to the likeness of sensibility and charm in the space. In time, our encounters are brief but special. Yet there is all there is.
We took a trip to the Great Ocean Road today. It was pouring very heavily and the little fella felt scared. So he rested his chin on my lap the whole way until we got home. I sneaked into McGran’s Cafe to take away a lovely slice of tahini cake. The rain has a way of showing up when it is least needed but beneath the thick dark clouds there is warmth in being good company and a sincere slice of cake.
January 8, 2018 § Leave a comment
Your experience will be solely yours. No one else sees or feels what you deeply observe, encounter and soak the soul in. By that I also mean we get to choose who and what we karmically interact with. Sometimes we do not realise that there is a reason behind the daily habits. How we brush our teeth, choose to hold a fork or chopsticks, turn the door knob a certain way. Perhaps even with the certain people we communicate. Do we greet them a kindly, joyfully or quietly. What brings that particular emotion when something inside is triggered.
I chose living mindfully since a tender age. Though it might appeared that some hard experiences were much intended than unconsciously, there has always been a certain light inside the heart that lead to where I am now.
Now, is the moment we should all live in. I do realise more and more that people living in the fast pace world tend to sweep away my questions or curiosity as they would, sweep away awareness. Everything goes under the rug. Ironically, so does being authentic.
What is your sankalpa?, as most yoga instructors will ask at the beginning of the practice. Is it simply to let go? To feel warmth? To be here? How is your heart doing?
These days, my intentions have been to with the soul. The mind has been drifting off to the past year and resulted in drawing memories of encounters. These growing moments were like pain growing sprouts, reminders of lessons and staying true. So much had happened. So much have yet, to happen.
You have waited to be loved. Love every corners there is inside right this moment. All that is needed is encapsulated in the tender heart.
New Year’s Eve countdown was much spectacular as it was spent luxuriously by Sydney Harbour. The days along were so blessed I started to wonder what have I done to deserve this. “Take it all in my dear”, that is all she said to me.
Back to my favourite part of the city, practicing yoga, reading/writing and more cooking. Nectarines from the tree right in front of the lovely apartment.
December 8, 2017 § Leave a comment
Yoga practice today was quite a revolution. Ever since I joined the Westside yoga, every session has been very insightful. Perhaps it has to do with the current course of my journey, how it has shifted tremendously and is still evolving.
In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you.
I have read this quote multiple times and like any empowering words they mean something different when you revisit them. I have finally moved into a new apartment, and enjoying the silence. While rejoicing in the new found freedom to dance with, there is a different side of loneliness. The quiet space is now filled with silences but with time I have come to enjoy the nature of it all. The birds wake up way too early for my liking, I can hear the neighbours going in and out of their apartments, I make my meals for solely myself and while I was so used to making it for my family back at home. It is a meal for one everyday. The experiment is nothing less than creative and adventurous but also deeply gratifying. I have a big jar of kombucha fermentation by the kitchen window and a sauerkraut recipe waiting to test out. Another responsibility I have come to adhere to is DIY light fixing. How can one know the differences of E22/B27 or warm light, bright white or LED? Also, I have bought some plants to keep me company. While I am not sure how long they will enjoy my presence but inviting them to the new home has been nothing shy of joy. I would say this is exceptionally so when I wake up in the morning and see the little green leaves face catching the first rays of sunlight.
This year, I have learnt to grow more graciously independent. What does that even mean? To be gracious to yourself while trying be on your own and in good company. Over the years, failed relationships have made it difficult to rely on the right people. Some might say, well perhaps you just haven’t found the right one to depend on. I would agree but also realised that you are essentially responsible for your own happiness/well-being. Being taken care of is such a luxury that not everyone can have, but also to take care of others is another privilege one shall not take for granted. How many times have I wished to have closer family members to cook for and listen to their problems. At the same time wish someone would just sit and listen to me. Yet, this constant ebb and flow settles quietly like the waves on a shore. You watch the tide come and go, enjoying the swiftness of the water and listening to the ripples as they grasp one another.
I have graciously learnt to let go of depending on others for happiness and am cultivating a gentle lifestyle. First step to finding love, don’t. It is already in you. Don’t wait for anything to happen or until it is ready, you will perhaps wait for your whole life. Now, let go of whatever that does not serve you any purpose.
Oh yes, and if all else fails, find friends who laugh over silly matters, shares vegan pizza and hide in pubs while waiting for the rain to pass.